No doubt you’ve heard a lot about the little festival that’s happening in Sheffield, we think it’s called Tramlines. But our hearing isn’t the best.

We caught up with the event organisers and asked them to fill us in on what it’s all about. Between you and me it sounds a bit rubbish. I mean why would anyone want to come to Sheffield? The residents are frugal and unfriendly, the food and buildings are distinctly average and we know absolutely nothing about music. So here are 30 reasons to avoid Tramlines this year!

We couldn’t tell you who any of the artists are

Katy B – © Simon Butler

But they’re so bloody noisy,

Folk Forest – Andy Brown

With no range of genres,

The Destroyers – Paula Goodale

I mean none whatsoever.

Beth Jeans Houghton – Andrew Clarkson

It’s all just the same old sh*t

Toddla T – Gary Wolstenholme

with no big names.

Public Enemy – Devin Ainslie

All the residents hate it,

Street Performers – Dan Sumption

Not to mention the local businesses.

Hendo’s – Tarquin Clark

But if you do decide not to take our advice, please make sure you leave the kids at home

Nothing for the kids – Lucy Dziadulewicz

Cause there is nothing for them to do.

The Mad Hat Trio – Gerard Morgan

Make sure to keep yourself to yourself, and don’t mess with the locals

Don’t mess with the locals – Gary Wolstenholme

Cause the likelihood of a street brawl is pretty high.

Granny Tourismo – Jamie Boynton

We’re serious! They’re pretty scary,

Who knows what they’re capable of.

Granny Tourismo – Jamie Boynton

They are the least charismatic people in the world

I mean sooooooo boooooring.

Giles Bertenshaw

And the transport links…Don’t get us started. You can’t even get on a bus without someone singing at you.

Buskers Bus – Simon Butler

They even have the cheek to give you one of those stupid bracelets that take weeks to get off.

Nobody has any fun,

Atmosphere – Kevin Wells

Look At How Unhappy They all Are.

Crowd – Kevin Wells

But do you blame them?? All the venues are pretty dull

Patrick Handley

and there’s no chance of an intimate gig

Or of a space to breathe,

David Chang – Weston Park

Just nothing but plinky plonky music,

Poster Show – Tarquin Clark

with all of it pre-recorded, think Ashlee Simpson but worse!

You might as well Forget about going – and ave a kip

Night night Dan Sumption

If you do decide to go you might get to see these guys (anyone know who they are?)

Basement Jaxx

Someone told us that the Wu-Bang are going to be there. They look like a funny bunch.

These guys are apparently pretty good.

Hey Sholay – Mark Tighe

And if that wasn’t enough for you (it definitely is for me) then this OG is kicking around too.

Og!